Thursday, 2 January 2014

Ten Ways to Make New Year’s Super Exciting and Fun for Everyone (researched and experienced by the writer herself)

1. Go to your ex’s party, despite your natural misgivings. An especially good idea if New Year’s was the night he asked you out two years ago and the fact that you’re no longer together is therefore particularly stinging.

2. Take two bottles of cheap wine (I recommend Echo Falls for a flavour truly reminiscent of urine) and be well aware of the fact that you’ll probably drink most of it yourself. For seriously hard-core party-goers, hide it all under the coffee table. Then you can get well and truly hammered without too much interference.

3. Drink said wine out of a large mug. Be surprised when people think you’re weird when you joke that it’s tea and that you’re three years sober.

4. Insist that you’re bloody excellent at pool – and do a good job at aggressively beating someone you don’t know, until you pot the white on the black. Then lie on the floor in shame whilst everyone laughs at you.
5. Forget resolution not to smoke at parties. Completely destroy your lungs.

6. Mistime the countdown and try to get everyone started at two minutes to midnight. Be scathingly hushed by several people.

7. At actual midnight, get with your friend’s brother. Your friend’s seventeen year old brother.

8. Lie under the Christmas tree in the living room. When your best friend, understandably concerned by your behaviour, tries to help you move towards the sofa, struggle and angrily refuse whilst declaring that you’re a present “waiting to be unwrapped”. 

9. Get into a drunken screaming argument with your oldest friend. This should occur in your ex’s bedroom. Make sure that there is plenty of snot running down your face whilst you’re crying, and make sure that everyone can hear you howling from the other side of the door.

10. Be sure not to get so drunk that you forget anything. You must remember everything. Yes. Everything.